family crisis.

this blog is more going to be me rambling, rather than me trying to teach about what i've learned. i hope this counts. but it's been through learning about family crises that have made me so grateful for my own family, despite the trials we have had to face.
my mom grew up in a family crisis. she was raised by alcoholics. i do not know to a full extent of what she went through, it is not something that we often talk about at home. in fact, that's one of the unsaid family rules. i do know however that sometimes the home she lived in consisted of various forms of abuse. this is the definition of crisis.
we learned about and ABC model forming X:
Actual Events + Behavioral Responses + Cognitive = eXperience
the reality is, as hard as it is, we determine what will happen in the end. we do not control the events. but we control out behavior. we control our cognition. we determine our experience.
my mom did not let the events that were given her control her. she instead stopped history from repeating itself by becoming a "transitional character." she stopped the filth that run in her family from affecting her children. she did not let the life she was raised in define her. she is one of the most amazing people i know. i wish she did not have to live in the crisis she grew up in.

as for my own life, a family crisis i've experienced is when my dad got cancer. both times. i will not go into much detail about the cognitive process because it's become something spiritual that i'm not just going share it to everyone. but the actual events was that i could've lost my dad to two different cancers. my behavior changed because of what i knew. the experience was hard, but it taught me.

often in life we are handed a situation. we have no control over it. we can control how he react to our future and destiny. the crisis can destroy us. or we can let it change us. it isn't something that'll be easy. it isn't something that'll take a day to master. it takes time, and practice. just remember. A+B+C=X.

teaching sexual intimacy.

sex.
Such a scary topic sometimes. But it doesn't have to be. In fact, it isn't! Sex is not a bad thing, but a sacred thing! I think realizing this is hard. But it's important to! You are going to have to teach it to your children, which to many people is one of the scariest things of all. Here are some things parents must know in regards to the topic of sex:
Prepare.
Don't shut down.
Don't rely on others to teach your children. Let you be the teacher of your children.
Don't let fear override.
Don't just focus on the "physical" of intimacy.
Don't rely on media messages.
DOn't just have one conversation, have multiple.
Don't leave it up to one parent. Both parents should have a voice and influence on children.
Don't wait until the night before the wedding (haha).
DOn't lie about it.

Something I also feel is important to write is that you should teach your children the dangers of pornography. People do not realize how big of a deal it is, and the affects it can have on an individual. The dangers of it are real. It changes an individual. Both mentally and emotionally. Teach your children to avoid it like they would the gates of hell. To me this is so important, and that's what I've been feeling a lot lately.

marriage&transitions.

Here's a sad truth: People think marriage solves relationship problems when in reality, it really doesn't. With marriage comes a whole different set.
Here are some of the 1st month struggles newlyweds often face:living arrangements, tasks, responsibilities, cleanliness, different patterns, and struggles in the bed. Some may not seems like a big deal, but in the situation it is.
I want to keep this blog entry short to not distract myself from what I found most important this week. Here it is:
Sometimes that hard first year will be your advantage. It makes you, as a couple, work. It gives you strength. You understand each other better. You can learn to love each other better. The hardest moments get you to appreciate the real things that matter.
Work together. Get through it. You can overcome.

preparing for marriage.

Fact: one of the scariest things to me is falling in love. I've never been totally and completely in love, so I can't say it's because I had a bad experience with it. My heart has never been broken. But the fear of the things that can go wrong with falling in love is what has scared em the most. I've put up a wall my entire life to protect me from being vulnerable.
The truth is that I've just been scared no one could love me. I've been scared that I could never love someone fully. I've been scared I wasn't good enough, that I was too ugly. In fact, my fears have caused me to believe I will never get married. So I stopped thinking about it. I stopped thinking about things I'd even want in my future husband because I thought it would never matter.
Just recently I had the feeling however that I should think about what I'd want in a future husband. I decided I'd start slow since it's been so long since I let myself think I'd get married some day. I decided I need someone persistent. I want someone who's going to work for me, work hard to make me believe and understand that he loves me... because I'll never believe it. I want someone who will try to make us work.
Want to know something crazy? Right after I decided this, someone came back into my life I'd tried to push away because his persistence scared me. I realized quickly, I liked it after all. And I'm beginning to like him.
We'll see...

Anywho...
I've learned intentional thought dating is quite important. This is like a "know-quo." Sounds weird and confusing, right? This involves talk, time, and togetherness.
Talk: MUTUAL disclosure: secrets, how we see things, discover, sharing. I've realized from this section I need to work better on this. The key word for me is mutual. It does no good in my relationship if I do not reciprocate, or let the guy know his feelings are valid. I can't just expect him to be persistent if I'm not giving him a reason to.
Time: Anything less than three months, you do not know someone. Fact.
Togetherness: See each other in a variety of situation, even marriage situations.
In addition, structure dating is important. Want to know something most people don't seem to know? A date is planned, paid for, and paired off. This should be prepared by the man. Who would've thought???
Take notes BYU-Idaho....

gender.

We live in quite an interesting time. I am going to be completely honest with what I feel and know. What I say isn't meant to be offensive. But these are my beliefs.
I believe that "gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."
We are all males and females. As such, we have different characteristics that separate us from the opposite sex. Some will say that these could and should be mixed. I however, disagree.
Before we were born, we lived in heaven. We had spirits, the same ones we possess now. It is not by accident we were born male or female. Considering this, we have eternal characteristics that define us. I do agree that socialization plays a big role in gender (for example, girls often are seen playing with dolls, boys playing with cars). But I don't think that is the only reason why.
Some believe boys should need to be raised bore like girls. This, I think, goes against our natural characteristics. Boys should be raised as boys, boys who will become men. I do think what needs to be done is teach our boys to be more sensitive to girls. Teach them to respect girls. Teach them to be empathetic and to care. This can be done at a young age and can influence the boys in a better way than raising our boys with dolls.
On a similar note...
As stated, gender is an essential characteristic. I think there is something divine about it. We were born separate beings. We were born to work with the opposite sex in ways that the same sex cannot. Man and woman can procreate. I believe this was by divine design. Life would cease to exist without man and woman. This wasn't coincidental.

social class&culture

i'd never realized just how much a person's social class can affect their family until becoming a sociology major. i dug deep into what the different classes really are. i dug even deeper to consider stratification.
reality: raising a family in our economy is pretty difficult. yeah, i just realized this. don't judge me.
BUT... what is really needed to raise a family in this day and time?
i think so often we are caught up in materialistic necessities. we want a high paying job, big home, 4 car garage (plus some nice cars to go inside), big backyard (a swimming pool and hot tub wouldn't hurt), nice furnishing, monstrous kitchen... the list can go on. lets get some things straight though of what is necessary: job, home, car, and a family that will occupy these materials.
social class can be a touchy topic. it is this way because of how the classes are viewed by others and those within the same class.
what i'm beginning to see as very important is that you just do the best you can do. but what's important is to not neglect the family while on the endeavor.

fam theories

This week in class we focused on a variety of theories. It is important to state that theories are not factual. They do however help in explaining things, but should not be used as laws or truths. These theories include systems, exchange, symbolic, and conflict theories. Each have distinct differences that separate them from each other. Like we did in class, this blog will be focused on systems theory.
Systems theory in a family looks at a picture as a whole (the whole, big picture). The family systems theory consists of rules and roles. Nothing is more important than the other because as a whole pictures, each piece is significant.
I’ve been thinking a lot of my family as a system. Roles are very clear. I’m beginning to think it’s possible that some roles are not positive, but are essential. I for example, was probably the trouble maker, along with my brother, Jacob. In fact, my family called me Jacobina. We were horrid… like seriously. I fought with my parents just because I knew I was good at it. And I just did and acted in ways I should not have that this blog world doesn’t need to know. It’s surprising that my family still loves me at all:) But roles change, which is comforting! I’m definitely working on changing my role in the family, because I’d rather have my role be positive than a negative one.
As for rules, we had some that were spoken and unspoken. Here are a few of them:
-Don’t disrespect mom. If you do, you’re in a lot of trouble. (I can bear witness to that)
-Church is not an option.
-Obey curfew (except as my parents got older, this rule was jumped around because they’d fall asleep)
-Remember Who You Are. This seems like a strange thing to consider a rule, but it was something we lived by. We were reminded how we were a “Danielson,” and we were to respect that name.
-We had to pretend to be angels at Grandma and Grandpa’s. This one was easy, we always seemed to be on our best behavior there.
What are some of your family rules and roles?